Melon
by Seth Fox
Summary: Ichigo accidentally buys a gay romance novel. Renji catches him reading it and sees a chance. He tells Ichigo that he knows how to experience being with a woman. Ichigo ends up in the hospital. Why, you ask? Read ad find out. M just to be safe.


**Melon**

_By Seth_

White lights kept flashing overhead, and through the terrible haze of pain and wooziness Ichigo wondered if he was dying. It took him a while to realise that the lights were the lights on the hospital ceiling which flashed past him because he was being moved around in a hospital bed.

Then, suddenly, it all came back to him; what had happened and how it had happened. How he'd ended up here. And most of all... the one who caused it.

Renji.

-Earlier that afternoon-

Ichigo sat on his bed, reading a book one would not expect him to be reading; a medieval romance pocket. He'd been addicted to books in this genre for a while, and he had been thrilled to learn that a new part had been published. In the store he had it gift-wrapped as usual. The 'it's a gift for my sister' excuse tended to work very well for him. When he got home he hastily unwrapped it and started reading.

Unfortunately, Ichigo hadn't read the back of the book all that well, and thus it came to pass that he only found out that it was a gay romance novel when the first X-rated scene was already upon him.

"The knight leaned in and kissed the minstrel tenderly on his rosy lips. "Fear not, my beloved. Your job is to sing, while it is my task to defend my lord's life with my own. It has always been thus, and it shall always be thus. There is no need to regret this."

The minstrel's bottom lip quivered. "My lord Louis, you are too noble for this lowlife of a minstrel." He muttered. "You should go to lady Elisabeth and please her with your presence."

The knight shook his noble head, his black hair flowing elegantly across his shoulders. "No, Jean. The only one I want is you..."

The minstrel closed his eyes and sighed contently as those heavenly lips descended upon his. He could barely make out the hand that slipped into his shirt before the pleasure of the kiss overcame him."

In short, Ichigo was shocked. This was NOT what he had expected. Yet, strangely enough, he found it to be both interesting and, dare he think it... arousing. Blushing hotly, his eyes glued to the page, he read on.

"The minstrel's voice quivered as lord Louis pushed him down onto the bed. "My lord Louis, we must not do this... god has forbidden it. This is a sin..."

Louis chuckled as he licked the minstrel's perky nipples, earning him a throaty moan. "No, Jean. God has not forbidden love. And if he has, then I care not for it. You are more important to me than a place in heaven..."

The minstrel was unable to do anything but moan as the knight's heavenly tongue licked a trail downward, towards the stiff rod between his well-shaped legs..."

"Yo, Ichigo!" Renji's voice said, way too close to his ear.

Ichigo jumped up, face crimson, snapping the book shut in a hurry. "Re-re-re-renji!" He yelled awkwardly, hiding the book behind his back. Wh-what are you doing here?"

Renji shot Ichigo a suspicious glance. "I just came by to say hello, but I see you were otherwise occupied." He motioned to Ichigo's body. "And not doing a good job of hiding it either."

Ichigo glanced down at himself and hurriedly pulled his knees up to his chest. He hadn't noticed that the book had affected him this much. "I wasn't doing anything." He blurted out hastily, all too aware of how fake that had sounded. "I was just... reading."

Renji chuckled. "I can see that." He commented dryly. "What were you 'reading' just now... Let me see."

Before Ichigo could react, Renji had already grabbed his arm and wrenched the book out of his hand. His eyes scanned the back of the book while he held Ichigo off with his foot. His eyes twinkled in amusement when he looked up at Ichigo again. "Oh my, Ichigo." He said mischievously. "I didn't know you were into this kind of thing..."

Ichigo snatched the book back from Renji and shoved it under his pillow. "Shut up, Renji!" He yelled indignantly. "I bought the wrong book. I only found out what it was when I started reading."

Renji chuckled. "So being turned on by it was a mistake as well?" He raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think you'd admit to being gay, Ichigo, so I'm not surprised that you're denying it. I hate to break it to you, man, but being turned on by two men having sex means that you swing that way indeed."

Ichigo growled. "I am NOT gay!" He roared. "I was surprised by the book, that's all."

Renji chuckled again. "Whatever you say, man. I suppose a virgin like you really can't know his preferences yet. If you ever need the experience though..." He winked suggestively. "You know where to find me."

Ichigo's eyes widened. Had Renji just told him he'd like to have sex with him? "What kind of experience are you talking about?" He asked.

Renji leaned in, motioned for Ichigo to move his face closer. "I know a lot of tricks to see if you're gay or not." He whispered in a conspirational tone. "For example, I know exactly how you can see if you like the feeling of being inside a woman."

Ichigo was intrigued. "And how do you do that?" He asked.

Renji shrugged. "One way is to cut open an orange and smear it with toothpaste." He said. "Then you put your dick in between it. It feels exactly the same..."

Ichigo looked doubtful. "I don't think I can do that." He said, blushing again. "It won't fit."

Renji looked surprised. "Really?" He said. "That big?"

Ichigo scoffed. "Sh-shut up, Renji. It's not all it's cracked up to be, having a large dick."

Renji smiled slyly. "I can only imagine." He said. "I know people who have that same problem though. They said a watermelon works as well."

Ichigo glared at Renji, clenching his fists. "Okay, now you're just making it up." He said. "This is not funny, man. Go bug somebody else."

Renji got up from the bed, arms raised in a defensive position. "I'm just telling you what I heard, man." He said. "No need to get mad at me. I'll just leave you alone with your reading material. See you later."

When Renji had left Ichigo sank down onto his bed, doubt filling his mind. The idea of being with a woman had never really appealed to him before, but nor had the idea of being with a man. He had always supposed that the right woman just hadn't come along yet, but what if Renji was right and he was gay? He didn't know what it was like to be with a woman, which seemed to be abnormal for a boy his age...

He sighed. This was way over his head. He decided to put it out of his mind for a bit and go fix himself a cup of tea.

While he waited for the kettle to boil, he thought it over again. If what Renji said was true, then he could try what it was like to be with a woman without making a fool out of himself in front of some random girl. This prospect appealed to him. Then his eye fell on a great green object in the fruit basket on the table; a watermelon.

Outside the window, Renji tried his very best to keep his laughter in check. He knew Ichigo was a virgin, and when he'd seen the other's reaction to his teasing he had known that the fruit-trick would work on Ichigo. Watching Ichigo fall for it was just too amusing.

He watched motionlessly as the orange-haired boy glanced around the kitchen, then observed as the other cut the melon in four parts and sneaked one up to his room. When he heard the cries of pain a moment later, Renji burst out in laughter. When the crying didn't stop, however, he got worried and broke into Ichigo's room once again, just in time to see the other faint.

-back to now-

This is how Ichigo ended up in the hospital. The nurses kept wondering out loud how he had gotten a melon seed stuck /there/, while all Ichigo could do was lay there, blushing like mad, cursing at Renji. Oh, he would get his revenge. And it would involve a lot of melons.

-The end-


End file.
